Health & Wellness – JoyBasics

Navigating loss, identity, and love in the “Chapter 3” of our lives.

First of all, let’s be grateful that we even made it to the Chapter Three of our lives. Not all of us are granted that status. By this stage of life, my loves, many of us have lost spouses, parents, pets, friends, or have even experienced the loss of a child.

Loss comes in other forms, as well: Loss through divorce, house fire, loss of a job due to covid, retirement, or “restructuring,” a.k.a. being replaced by a younger, less expensive (salary-wise) model. (Not fashion model, no. That’s the spousal department.)

We’re older and hopefully wiser. We’ve been around the block enough times to feel, well, dizzy! And, jumbled in with our various losses is the potential loss of our identity. Who are we, if not the caretaker of our loved ones, be they aging parents, ailing spouses, or terminally ill adult children who need help with the grandchildren?

We ask ourselves, What’s next? How do I begin this new chapter? I don’t know how to handle being in limbo. I’m so used to working a job or being busy serving others and sensing or asking them what they need or want.

I have so little practice taking time for myself and asking, “Hey, rock star! Me? Yes, you! What do you want? What have you set aside all these years? What’s a new idea that’s been waiting in the wings to be given center stage? What makes your heart area warm and fluttery…besides caring for others?”

Be the caretaker of you for five minutes…or longer, if you can stand it! Try this exercise. (Don’t worry, you don’t have to get off the couch…except for pen and paper.) What and who were you surrounded by growing up? What or who in that scenario do you want to keep, work through, or toss?

Make a list of both “good” and “bad.” (I put those words in quotes because once we depart this lovely planet, those qualifications no longer exist, I believe. Those are human determinations that we created. But that’s saved for another chapter, isn’t it?)

Ok, pen and paper ready? List what non-physical traits you inherited or were subconsciously influenced by in your childhood. What values were held by the adults around you? What shortcomings were in play?

Below is my list in no particular order: (names/roles were withheld to protect the not-so-innocent, but you should feel free to embellish your own list as you see fit. No one will read it…unless you post it on social media!)

Teaching/education
Book writing and creative writing
Theater
Love of animals
Love of children
Spirituality/psychic phenomena
Victimhood
Subservience
Strong work ethic
Creativity
Dance
Music (piano playing, singing, songwriting)
Avoidance of conflict
Abundance/money is “bad.”
Abundance/money is success.
Reverence for Nature
Quaker meeting
Atheism
Soft spoken parents
Mental health issues
Divorce

I’m sure there’s more, but making this list will help bring you back to your roots and who you are and how you feel about the influences of your upbringing.

End of Part I.

“Is it ME??” Dealing with a narcissist.

Spirit reminds us that our greatest teachers in life are our enemies, the ones who cause us the most strife. Well, then. There are a few in my life who deserve the Teacher of the Year (or lifetime) award. I’m sure you have them too. None of us get out of this unscathed! But hopefully, in the process of circumnavigating obstacles, we gain wisdom and strength.

Narcissist #1 came into my life when I was 16. Of course, no such label was known by the family about her. No. We all had to figure this out for ourselves. Being an empath, it took me years to unravel the mountains and valleys of deceit, the twists and turns of deciphering the hidden manipulation, gas-lighting lies, and wedge driving that was instigated by this individual. I spent decades thinking it was me that had to change, to rise above, to love unconditionally.

I tried all that. It worked for a while, and then back down the mountain of deceit I fell.

We need to recognize, dear Empaths, when we have been enticed into their sticky web with kindness, generosity, and charm. Narcissists excel at this façade, and save their rage for those to whom we show allegiance outside their circle. They’ll tell outright lies about them to drive a wedge of distrust and keep you for themselves.

“Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don’t do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing,” says Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide. They’re incapable of feeling empathy, although they will use such language to their advantage.

Narcissists require admiration, attention, and allegiance. Perhaps this was lacking in their childhood. Whatever. Not our fault, Empaths! Not our path. Not ours to fix!

The hidden toxicity of this relationship is dangerous to one’s mental health. Empaths endeavor to create harmony. Narcissists relish in creating chaos. It’s a no-win situation. Keep your distance and recognize the behaviors before they suck the lifeblood out of you. Like mosquitoes, they seek out their prey: Empaths, the bleeding hearts of the world.

Healing Me Softly With His Song

A local dairy farm, Maple Valley Creamery, sells ice cream cones out of a small wooden hut. Each week, they give away free cones to specific names. One week it was for anyone who shared a name with someone in The Brady Bunch. My name is Jan, so my husband and I decided to take the 40 minute drive to get my free ice cream!

I had been worried about my daughter who has been going through months of chemo. She hadn’t been feeling well of late. I decided that a ride in the countryside to get an ice cream was what I needed.

We drove along winding, tree-lined roads that follow the river, past farm fields and past the Hadley Mall to the Hadley Scoop, as the colorful hut is called. We walked up to the window. I ordered one scoop of strawberry shortcake ice cream on a gluten-free cone. They use fresh strawberries!

Behind the hut was a seating area complete with fenced in cows, goats, and sheep for petting. We found a small picnic table in the middle and got settled, licking our creamy treats. We faced the music. There was a guy singing and playing guitar for tips on a six inch riser. He sang a Chris Stapleton song I was unfamiliar with, but the ambiance he created was soothing.

I heard lyrics about Jesus and angels. My ears perked up. I waited for the refrain, as my heart opened up and my daughter slipped in.

Don’t go looking for the reasons
Don’t go asking Jesus why
We’re not meant to know the answers
They belong to the by and by.

Angels come down from the heavens
Just to help us on our way.

Tears flooded my eyes. I tried to hold them back while silently licking my ice cream. One or two escaped. I felt singled out. This song, this message, was meant for me in this moment, I thought. He was healing me softly with his song.

The Road to Remission

Synopsis: HEALING = LOVE OF ONESELF

My guess is that we all know someone near and dear to our hearts who is suffering from a serious illness. Or you, yourself, may be in that condition. Psychologically it’s an unnerving place to be, teetering between uncertainty and hope about the outcome.

When life comes at us this way, like a train wreck, it causes us to look within and without to the cosmos for reasons. Most of us are wired to seek answers, to seek knowledge, to better the planet, to better ourselves. To heal.

Author Anita Moorjani, who battled cancer for years right into the hands of an NDE (Near Death Experience), wrote in her book, Dying To Be Me, “To cherish myself, was the key to my healing. To be me is to be love. This is the lesson that saved my life”.

Can it really be that simple? Maybe we can learn from the lessons she took from her NDE. Let’s take a look. It can’t hurt.

Some people bristle at the notion of loving oneself. It can bring up feelings of guilt and unworthiness or thoughts of ego inflation.

Self-love is not selfish. Love is who we are. Selfish is an earthly human judgment and often stems from a deeply felt insecurity. Insecurity is fear. Fear is limiting. Being Love is expansive. It dissipates fear and rises above the duality of judgment between right and wrong. It just is.

Our childhoods were filled with lessons of right and wrong, as our parents or caregivers–sans playbook on perfect parenting–did their best to instill in us societal do’s and don’ts.

Our essence of Being love slowly got whittled down into conformity to social norms. “Be this way so you don’t embarrass us.”

It can take a lifetime to unlearn some of the teachings of well-meaning parents who loved us or who, we perceive, didn’t love us enough.

And it can take years to develop a disease, which, I believe, is an indicator that we haven’t yet cleared the path back to Love of Self.

How do we get there? Am I even on the path or have I wandered into the brambles?

No matter. Wherever you are, start there. Your actions of self-love will lead you back. Try courting yourself like you’ve just fallen in Love.

Splurge on 5 bucks for a bouquet of fresh flowers, from you to you.
Draw a bubble bath, candlelit for ambiance, music for relaxation and inspiration.
Watch your favorite movie in your pjs.
Give yourself a hug, a foot and shoulder massage, a pat on the back.
Take a 5 min. respite, away from the needs of others, in the bathroom where solitude and privacy is “acceptable.”
Make decisions based on your needs first and stick to them despite feelings of guilt. Guilt is self-judgment, not self-love.
Make a list of things you love to look at, to do, to feel, to hear. Then seek those out.
Show yourself unconditional love, as you would a friend or a loved one.
Say, “I love you” in the mirror. This can be very powerful. Feel it, truly feel it as you say it.

You don’t have to be perfect. Perfection is a judgment which is unattainable! Allow yourself the beauty of imperfection. Love yourself unconditionally.

You’re already on The Road to Remission.

To Giraffe or not to Giraffe

Is this pandemic causing each of us to go deeply inward to the place we truly are? Are we realizing how delicate life is? How temporary? I know many people who have come out of hiding, including me.

It took me years, well into adulthood to express publicly my psychic and channeling abilities. My fears included thoughts like, “But…what about those people who don’t approve? The skeptics? They’ll think I’m a fake. They’ll look at me weird.

“What about them? They seem to have no problem expressing who they are, whether or not you agree with them. They haven’t withered away into oblivion just because you don’t share their beliefs. And neither will you,” my Higher Self reminds me.

“You have this ability in order to help others. Those who do believe and those who are in need will find you. If you shut down this essential part of yourself and keep it hidden, whom are you helping?”

Everyone is on their own path, their own level of spiritual evolution, of believing in what they believe. And that is ok. If you base your actions on what you think others believe, you are short-changing not only yourself, but those who need your help.

That’s like a giraffe lowering its head to conform to other animals, but then not being able to reach the leaves high above to feed others or their young.

But how do I distinguish my outer-world personality from my inner-world Knowing Self? How do I reach higher?

That’s easy…and hard. It involves stopping all action, sitting still, and being–experiencing–this tiny, singular moment, where breathing happens, where sound happens, where sensing happens.

Thoughts happen, too, but they need to be tamed–not eliminated–just tamed. They need to know that you’re the one in control. Thoughts are like children. They pull you this way and that toward what they want to focus on. Thoughts pull you out of the present and into the past.

Thoughts pull you into the future where attachment happens, where hopes, dreams, and desperation, fear, and worry happen.

But, the present is just the present where You, your Higher Self, your every breath, exist now, in this tiny moment.

Ask yourself: Am I OK in this moment? The answer is almost always, Yes.

But I can’t figure out ____________.
That’s OK. Let go. The answer will come. It happens in the future.

But I feel regret about ____________.
That’s OK. That was then, unchangeable. It happened in the past.

What is the value of this moment?

This moment is where your power lies. The power to make decisions. To intuit answers. To listen to your Higher Self. To feel your next impulse of inspiration toward your goal. To expand in abundance and success. To choose to feel gratitude. To choose to feel Love.

Use this moment to stop all action, sit still, close your eyes, and sense your Higher Self or your Spirit Guides. Ask them how they would handle a certain situation. Ask your questions in this moment of stillness.

Now that they have your attention, and because you asked, they will answer. Maybe not immediately. Sometimes answers arrive within hours, sometimes days. Be open.

In this moment of stillness, you can discover your deepest self wanting to rise and be seen, so that you can share it with the world.

Click here for my guided meditation on “risking your significance.” ❤